…that’s when lonely sets in.

… that’s the answer to so many questions these days.

I’ve had an interesting week or so of reflection.  Not so much because of one thing or another that I’ve done, but some coincidental things with my friends.

Plus, my horoscope has had some interesting notions about it being a good time for reflection, something happening that would make me think differently, and even today, 

“To find yourself, you might have to toss aside any preconceived notions you have about who you are in the first place. How can you really explore and discover what you’re all about if you begin the journey with strict boundaries already in place? Who knows? Maybe you’re a vegetarian. Maybe you’re a dancer. Maybe your favorite color is really red, not pink. Maybe — just maybe — you’re about to find out.”

And those of you that know me know I DO believe in my horoscope and yes, reflection, exploration, discovery it has been. 

(What does this have to do with the title of this post? Give me some leeway here, I promise it will become apparent.)

It just so happens that several of my good friends went on vacation, had to travel for work, and/or had to bring their children to their first year of college (not any of them together, but in the same approximate time frame).  And in my heightened state of reflection, I realized that these people were the ones I speak to most often in the course of my day(s).  With all of them being gone at the same time, my world was … let’s just say… a lot quieter. 

And of no surprise… that’s when lonely sets in. 

Please understand I am not saying my friends need to call me on their vacations.  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  They deserve their time with their families, spouses, whoever, for whatever reason.  Its just that its in the quiet moments when I struggle. And its MY struggle, MINE to work through, MINE to deal with. I know this.

Let’s face it. I’ve been dealing with this since January 2003 when the ex left.  Back then, even before then, I knew ’lonely’ even with someone in the same house.  Being in a house where you simply co-exist more like roommates than spouses.  Living and wondering what to say to this person. Afraid to be who you are, uneasy that something you do may set them off in some way. Afraid that quite frankly they’ll leave (irony… have to love it.)

When he left dealing with “lonely” became about survival and proving myself, a competition of sorts.  That I could make it on my own.  That I wasn’t Needy and could be independent.  To this day, I live with that. Proving I can be strong, independent – in every way – physically and most important, emotionally.  (Maybe my ex-relationships since then have suffered in some way because of that, I don’t know.)

I don’t need anyone. I can’t. I’m ok by myself.  I can handle things on my own. I’m just fine being alone.  I even joke about how atleast everything is where I left it and I don’t have to pick up after anybody.  I don’t have to struggle for the sheets or listen to anyone snore.  I’ve got the routine down and quite convincingly, I must say.   Just ask me. I’ll tell you how great alone is.

But I’m really struggling now with work, with home, with myself and lonely sets in more than I’ve recognized in a while.  Like when?

• When there’s any sort of holiday all about families, relationships, giving and being with the ones you love — that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I come home to a house – no matter what time of the day or night - that is empty.  (with the exception of the dogs who thankfully are always happy to see me) – that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I’ve gone through a day without any contact with anyone – even my family – and it strikes me that in that day, no one would even realize if something had happened to me — that’s when lonely sets in.
• When there are conversations I can’t participate in because I don’t have kids or when I’m trying to console or be a sympathetic ear about others relationships — that’s when lonely sets in. 

Not that I don’t care about what is happening in my friends’ lives, I do.  I really do.  I want them to be happy. I want to be someone they can come to.  I want to be a good listener, a good friend, someone they can trust with their feelings.  Its just a bit ironic (and hard) when one of my married friends calls to say

 ”please come over, my house is empty
and I don’t want to be by myself…”

And do I go?  Of course.  Its what friends do.  Honestly, its also self serving – i’m alone too and I don’t want to be by myself either.  It takes up time – time when lonely would set in. 

It is ironic?! Oh yes. And while I completely understand their feelings, there are times I just want to say…  Really? You’re lonely?  Its only been one night, or two, even three … try 24/7/365 — that’s when lonely sets in.

And yes, these are the big things that trigger me, but what’s worse are the little things… 

• When I go to sleep and wake up in the morning to find that I barely have to make the bed, just pull up the sheet a bit.  There’s been no fighting for the sheets (or anything else for that matter) - that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I wake up in the middle of the night to nothing - no touch of warmth, no smell of faded cologne or soap, no sound of deep rythmic breathing — that’s when lonely sets in. 
• When I’m out and see a couple walking hand in hand, smiling, laughing, enjoying being with one another - that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I’m at friends for dinner and they pass each other with some gentle brush of affection or obviously more pronounced PDA – that’s when lonely sets in.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not desparate. I am not knocking any of this and none of it should change.  I guess I just wish I could tell them how lucky they are.  And rule 1? Yes, I wish I had it too.  To have someone there – even when things aren’t necessarily the best.  Someone there who cares for and loves you. Who you have on your radar screen and who has you on theirs. 

And like I said with the events, if that’s what you call them, of the last few weeks, I’m reflective and more aware. More aware of my feelings because my friends want to ‘set me up’ (yeah, if that doesn’t make you feel pathetic not sure what else could.) Plus I’ve seen someone who I’ve had a lot of fun with but due to our schedules and other things, it can’t happen.  But I know I was given the gift (and it really is a gift) of feeling what its like to not be completely lonely for awhile.  Its been a long time since I’ve felt that way. Rule 1? It felt really good.

To feel what its like to have someone wonder what I’m doing and be genuinely interested.  Hell, even want to be a part of it because I wanted to do it.  To be interested in what I thought and openly debate without criticism.  To want to know more about ME (can you believe it?) at all levels – without judgement.  To laugh with and cry with. To share fears and desires, hopes and even dreams. To have someone understand, respect, ’defend’ when needed.  To have someone notice the little things and pay attention.  And someone I want to know better, closer, deeper too.  But things happen 4 a reason and we’ll leave it at that.

 So I’m struggling to get back to the place where I was ok with lonely.  Where I’d accepted it as just how it would be.  Where those other feelings weren’t felt and I didn’t want to feel them. (or I had convinced myself I didn’t want to.)

Where is all this going? Hopefully it makes some sense now.  In all the events, there’s also been criticism of changes I’ve made and in my job, why I do things, how much time I spend on things, why I’ve stopped doing things… and it shakes me.  But its really not new. Just maybe I’m more sensitive to it right now.  Honestly, taking a step back - maybe its not so much criticism (but the delivery made it seem so), its at some level concern for me.  Concern that comes in critical tones…  

Q: Carrie, why do you work so much? 
A: Lots to do. Cant seem to get ahead.
Real Answer:  Because going home to an empty house sucks, because I can only clean and do laundry and pay bills so much to fill the time, because the longer I stay at work, the less time I have to work to fill the rest of the time – that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why don’t you take a vacation? Take some time off? 
A: Can’t really afford it with tuition bills and the like. (this is true but only one part of the answer.)
Real Answer: Because a vacation alone or with coupled friends, just makes me feel alone, makes me feel like a third wheel; Time off when there isn’t something to do… well quite frankly – that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why can’t you just leave that Blackberry alone?
A: Its my job. Have to see what’s going on.  Can’t afford to have something happen to ticketing or anything else, we need all the revenue we can get.
Real Answer:  As pathetic as it sounds, with every beep and buzz, I feel connected to the world. I feel ‘needed’ in some way. And in knowing what people are writing, tweeting, blogging, I’m not so alone.  It fills time.  Otherwise — that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why don’t you eat?
A: First of all, I do eat. Cuz cooking for one is too hard. I’m Italian can’t make anything in small quantities.  I’d be eating leftovers for weeks.  Plus hate all the dishes. 
Real Answer: Eating is not an issue.  Its the cooking and sitting down to eat that makes me feel alone – if at no other time.  Being Italian cooking is love, eating together is a means of socialization, with just me — that’s when lonely REALLY sets in.

Q: Carrie, why aren’t you drinking?
A: If you spent as much time getting your butt kicked as I do with my trainers, you’d make some extra sacrifices to make sure its paying off too.
Real Answer:  Drinking let’s the guard down. I say, do things maybe I shouldn’t.  It makes the feelings, the sadness, stronger.  Puts me in a bad place – that’s when lonely sets in.

So to my friends who know me, I hope this helps explain where I’m at right now.  Why I do things or don’t do things you think I should.  Why I talk about some things and not others.  Why I can (and want to)  be there to listen when you need me, but can’t reach out when you see I’m struggling.  I don’t want to drag anyone down with this, its mine to deal with.  I don’t want you worrying about me especially when you are dealing with things yourself.  And I don’t want to do something because I’m in this place either (talk about a catch 22).

Please understand that i’m struggling to truly accept things have happened 4 a reason.  I’ve been blessed with amazing relationships and wonderful people in my life (my exs included) but for reasons I cannot explain, they are not destined to stay. 

The answer to many questions is … that’s when lonely sets in.  The real question for me now is… is lonely destined to stay?

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