1-2-3 Punch

So they say things happen in 3′s. Seriously, think about it… Life is full of 3′s. For those that like everything even (you know who you are), this is quite an unfortunate but undeniable fact. For example…

• Red, Yellow, Green – 3 lights make up a stop light.
• Good, Better, Best – 3 choices when making a decision.
• Yes, No, Maybe – 3 answers to a question.
• Positive, Neutral, Negative – 3 statuses of testing.
• Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry – 3 Flavors in Neopolitan ice cream or the flavors in a traditional banana split .

I’m sure you can add things to this list, but you get my point. And think about when things happen to you… do they happen in 3′s? If not, you’re a lucky one. For me, they do. And the latest series of events is NO exception.  I recently – ok maybe not so recently – OMG! its 3 months (no kidding 3 months to the day!) since the 1-2-3 punch sequence that sent me to the mat.  And BTW, this happened over the course of 3 weeks! 

I am not making this up. What is that saying…

Life is always going to be stranger than fiction, because fiction has to be convincing and life doesn’t. ~Neil Gaiman

I couldn’t make this up. This sequence of events just couldn’t happen like this in fiction without someone saying “Really? All these things happened to the same person in this amount of time? No way!” You, as the reader, just wouldn’t allow yourself to believe it.  Well, I assure you it happened.

Punch #1: Dumped (Timing: Last week of April)

So since the last posting, lonely had left (at least for a while).  I, ironically, was doing the dating thing. And yes, 3 potential suiters at random intervals kept popping ‘into the ring’.  Now dating, true dating, the kind where you are not committd to any one person and you simply go out for dinner and chat to get to know one another with different people in the same timeframe, is not something I do well. But in my new found self, I was changing things up, stepping out of my monogamous dating safety zone and exploring my options.  Getting to know each one individually and being cautious. All 3 very nice guys, very different from one another. Needless to say, over the course of time, one seems to rise to the top be it due to distance, attraction, conversations, what have you…and a choice is made. 

End of April after 3+ months of dating, dumped. Probably the nicest one I’ve ever been through. He is a great guy with kids. Time together was an issue due to schedules and in hindsight, well… Hindsight is 20/20.  I guess there were some signs but I won’t dwell.  I will say this… he made me believe in myself again. That someone saw the good (enough to introduce me to his kids and hang out with them) was big.  The not so good… being dumped makes me question my judgement and myself. I thought I made the right choice. Thought I was worthy of a relationship. The conversations we had made me believe that he believed in the same things and he was someone willing to take a chance with and on me.  Flawed judgement - we’ll just leave it that…  Things happen 4 a reason, I gotta believe.

Punch #2: Ditched (May 10, 2010)

Two weeks later. It was a Monday. I was supposed to be getting my performance review.  11:00AM I’m in the President’s office.  11:06am I’m out of a job. Ditched. Effective immediately. No discussion about my work ethic or accomplishments, simply that my position was being outsourced. No concern for the projects I was working on. Just done. Can’t argue. Why would I? Decision made. Was it a surprise? HELL YEAH!  Blindsided. 

What do you say?  What can you do?

Me? I call them to the carpet and hold them accountable! Not sure how they (I say they because it was  not just the President in the office) were originally going to tell my marketing colleagues, so I force their hand. I made them call a meeting a few hours later where they were forced to sit before the team and explain what happened. My request caught them off guard (good!) which worked to my advantage for expediting my request. And YES, I WAS THERE.

It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do professionally, but it was the right thing. After all, I didn’t have anything to lose and the team deserved to hear it as a team. They deserved that respect for all we had come through as a department. And quite frankly, I also wanted to hear what He would say.  Curious? Still no mention of my work. It was a business decision as matter of fact.

Not sure if it was anger, strength or sheer determination to make them accountable that made me do it. Did I hold myself together well? Not so sure. But I feel good about my decision.  Regardless, I like to believe I went out with dignity.  The outpouring of notes and texts, flowers and phone calls from various colleagues from volunteers to Board Members was touching.  And still is. My goal was to make a difference at The Place. While it may not have been seen at a higher level, I feel good that those that matter valued and respected my work and my work ethic.  Can I explain it? Nope. Won’t try. Too exhausting. We’ll just leave it that…  Things happen 4 a reason, I gotta believe.

So Punch 1 – the left hook to the chin. Punch 2 – the gut punch to the stomach… losing air. And then…

Punch #3: Death (May 14, 2010)

… the upper cut that sent me to the mat.

It was Friday of that same week. Yes Punch #3 in 3 weeks time. The only man in my life for the past 12 years who cared that I was around. Who was proud of me no matter what. Who smiled when I entered the room and was sad to see me go. Who listened when I spoke and who wanted me on his side for the “revolution”. (I’ll explain later.) Who loved me for me.

On May 14th, 2010, my grandfather passed away. Peacefully, with his family by his side, window open and blue sky.  Just as he wanted.  It was not a surprise, it was time.  It was his time. His choice.  His last words to me amongst other things “Everything will be ok.”  

That about sums it up (for now). Knocked Out! To the Mat! A Hellish 3 weeks and not sure I’m getting up from this. At least not quickly.  Questioning everything, but holding on to one thing I know is true…

Things happen 4 a reason, I GOTTA BELIEVE! 

Oh by the way… No one told Grampa that I lost my job.  His last words…Uncanny? 6th sense? I don’t know.  I just hope he’s right.

I WON’T Apologize

WOW! I knew it had been a while, but I guess I just didn’t realize how long its been since I’ve been here.  But I WON’T apologize for my absence. Things happen 4 a reason.

This is my space and quite frankly, I will use it as I need and want. When I need and want and can. Not as others claim I should.  Yes readership has fallen off. Yes my friends who know about this have asked ‘when will you write again?’ Yes its been a long time.  Quite simply, I just haven’t been able to get the words out.  Life just hasn’t been playing anywhere close to fair. 

I know in the past I promised to be better, but life quite frankly since my last post went from manageable (lonely and wanting in some areas, but manageable)… to a brief respite of good …to falling off a cliff. And it wasn’t something I chose by any means, I got pushed.  Blindsided and shoved is really more like it. (More on this later.) 

So everything has been in so many ways upside down, inside out and backwards. Actually, it still is.

You see before I would come here and try to ‘talk’ things out. Get the feelings out through words, get them down on this virtual paper, if you will.  But things have been so upside down, inside out and backwards that i just haven’t had the energy.  I just couldn’t write. It was too hard to put the words together.  I simply couldn’t get here.  To relive what was, has and is still happening just took a mental strength I didn’t have.  To use another analogy, I’ve been down for the count. A literal 1-2-3 punch… on the mat… and not sure how, or if, I could get back up.

Yet, here I am. Its taken time to work through some things, but I’m up. Maybe sitting more than standing, crawling more than walking, but I’m up and getting there.  I’ve got some air back in my lungs. I’m moving forward again…

slowly…
                                          hestitantly…
                                                                                   cautiously…

but forward nonetheless. Not just motion, but progress.

And with that, I’ve decided to restart this blog thing.  Not because you asked. Not because I started this thing and shouldn’t ‘quit’. But because I want to. I’m ready to again. I’ve reflected, done lots of thinking (don’t get me wrong there’s still plenty to do) and feel I can put things here again with a bit more vision and understanding.  Or atleast feel I can write about these things and gain more clarity. 

However, here’s a note of caution going forward… (and you can thank Life for my directness here. I’m done sugar coating things for other’s benefit and apparenty to my detriment). 

• I WON’T apologize for lapses in writing.
• I WON’T apologize for the topics I choose to write about.
• I WON’T apologize for my thoughts on these varied topics.
• I WON’T apologize for my feelings. They are mine. They are real. They are important to me.
• I WON’T apologize for living my life. I’m doing the best I can given the circumstances.
• I WON’T apologize for who I am.

So going forward if you choose to continue reading my ramblings, rants and raves consider yourself warned.  Oh and one final thing until next time…

I WON’T apologize for believing Things Happen 4 A Reason. 

Its what I have faith in. Its all I know. Its the only thing I hold on to that provides me any real comfort or explanation for why Life happens the way it does.  Its the underlying notion of this blog…  and I WON’T apologize.

…that’s when lonely sets in.

… that’s the answer to so many questions these days.

I’ve had an interesting week or so of reflection.  Not so much because of one thing or another that I’ve done, but some coincidental things with my friends.

Plus, my horoscope has had some interesting notions about it being a good time for reflection, something happening that would make me think differently, and even today, 

“To find yourself, you might have to toss aside any preconceived notions you have about who you are in the first place. How can you really explore and discover what you’re all about if you begin the journey with strict boundaries already in place? Who knows? Maybe you’re a vegetarian. Maybe you’re a dancer. Maybe your favorite color is really red, not pink. Maybe — just maybe — you’re about to find out.”

And those of you that know me know I DO believe in my horoscope and yes, reflection, exploration, discovery it has been. 

(What does this have to do with the title of this post? Give me some leeway here, I promise it will become apparent.)

It just so happens that several of my good friends went on vacation, had to travel for work, and/or had to bring their children to their first year of college (not any of them together, but in the same approximate time frame).  And in my heightened state of reflection, I realized that these people were the ones I speak to most often in the course of my day(s).  With all of them being gone at the same time, my world was … let’s just say… a lot quieter. 

And of no surprise… that’s when lonely sets in. 

Please understand I am not saying my friends need to call me on their vacations.  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  They deserve their time with their families, spouses, whoever, for whatever reason.  Its just that its in the quiet moments when I struggle. And its MY struggle, MINE to work through, MINE to deal with. I know this.

Let’s face it. I’ve been dealing with this since January 2003 when the ex left.  Back then, even before then, I knew ’lonely’ even with someone in the same house.  Being in a house where you simply co-exist more like roommates than spouses.  Living and wondering what to say to this person. Afraid to be who you are, uneasy that something you do may set them off in some way. Afraid that quite frankly they’ll leave (irony… have to love it.)

When he left dealing with “lonely” became about survival and proving myself, a competition of sorts.  That I could make it on my own.  That I wasn’t Needy and could be independent.  To this day, I live with that. Proving I can be strong, independent – in every way – physically and most important, emotionally.  (Maybe my ex-relationships since then have suffered in some way because of that, I don’t know.)

I don’t need anyone. I can’t. I’m ok by myself.  I can handle things on my own. I’m just fine being alone.  I even joke about how atleast everything is where I left it and I don’t have to pick up after anybody.  I don’t have to struggle for the sheets or listen to anyone snore.  I’ve got the routine down and quite convincingly, I must say.   Just ask me. I’ll tell you how great alone is.

But I’m really struggling now with work, with home, with myself and lonely sets in more than I’ve recognized in a while.  Like when?

• When there’s any sort of holiday all about families, relationships, giving and being with the ones you love — that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I come home to a house – no matter what time of the day or night - that is empty.  (with the exception of the dogs who thankfully are always happy to see me) – that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I’ve gone through a day without any contact with anyone – even my family – and it strikes me that in that day, no one would even realize if something had happened to me — that’s when lonely sets in.
• When there are conversations I can’t participate in because I don’t have kids or when I’m trying to console or be a sympathetic ear about others relationships — that’s when lonely sets in. 

Not that I don’t care about what is happening in my friends’ lives, I do.  I really do.  I want them to be happy. I want to be someone they can come to.  I want to be a good listener, a good friend, someone they can trust with their feelings.  Its just a bit ironic (and hard) when one of my married friends calls to say

 ”please come over, my house is empty
and I don’t want to be by myself…”

And do I go?  Of course.  Its what friends do.  Honestly, its also self serving – i’m alone too and I don’t want to be by myself either.  It takes up time – time when lonely would set in. 

It is ironic?! Oh yes. And while I completely understand their feelings, there are times I just want to say…  Really? You’re lonely?  Its only been one night, or two, even three … try 24/7/365 — that’s when lonely sets in.

And yes, these are the big things that trigger me, but what’s worse are the little things… 

• When I go to sleep and wake up in the morning to find that I barely have to make the bed, just pull up the sheet a bit.  There’s been no fighting for the sheets (or anything else for that matter) - that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I wake up in the middle of the night to nothing - no touch of warmth, no smell of faded cologne or soap, no sound of deep rythmic breathing — that’s when lonely sets in. 
• When I’m out and see a couple walking hand in hand, smiling, laughing, enjoying being with one another - that’s when lonely sets in.
• When I’m at friends for dinner and they pass each other with some gentle brush of affection or obviously more pronounced PDA – that’s when lonely sets in.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not desparate. I am not knocking any of this and none of it should change.  I guess I just wish I could tell them how lucky they are.  And rule 1? Yes, I wish I had it too.  To have someone there – even when things aren’t necessarily the best.  Someone there who cares for and loves you. Who you have on your radar screen and who has you on theirs. 

And like I said with the events, if that’s what you call them, of the last few weeks, I’m reflective and more aware. More aware of my feelings because my friends want to ‘set me up’ (yeah, if that doesn’t make you feel pathetic not sure what else could.) Plus I’ve seen someone who I’ve had a lot of fun with but due to our schedules and other things, it can’t happen.  But I know I was given the gift (and it really is a gift) of feeling what its like to not be completely lonely for awhile.  Its been a long time since I’ve felt that way. Rule 1? It felt really good.

To feel what its like to have someone wonder what I’m doing and be genuinely interested.  Hell, even want to be a part of it because I wanted to do it.  To be interested in what I thought and openly debate without criticism.  To want to know more about ME (can you believe it?) at all levels – without judgement.  To laugh with and cry with. To share fears and desires, hopes and even dreams. To have someone understand, respect, ’defend’ when needed.  To have someone notice the little things and pay attention.  And someone I want to know better, closer, deeper too.  But things happen 4 a reason and we’ll leave it at that.

 So I’m struggling to get back to the place where I was ok with lonely.  Where I’d accepted it as just how it would be.  Where those other feelings weren’t felt and I didn’t want to feel them. (or I had convinced myself I didn’t want to.)

Where is all this going? Hopefully it makes some sense now.  In all the events, there’s also been criticism of changes I’ve made and in my job, why I do things, how much time I spend on things, why I’ve stopped doing things… and it shakes me.  But its really not new. Just maybe I’m more sensitive to it right now.  Honestly, taking a step back - maybe its not so much criticism (but the delivery made it seem so), its at some level concern for me.  Concern that comes in critical tones…  

Q: Carrie, why do you work so much? 
A: Lots to do. Cant seem to get ahead.
Real Answer:  Because going home to an empty house sucks, because I can only clean and do laundry and pay bills so much to fill the time, because the longer I stay at work, the less time I have to work to fill the rest of the time – that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why don’t you take a vacation? Take some time off? 
A: Can’t really afford it with tuition bills and the like. (this is true but only one part of the answer.)
Real Answer: Because a vacation alone or with coupled friends, just makes me feel alone, makes me feel like a third wheel; Time off when there isn’t something to do… well quite frankly – that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why can’t you just leave that Blackberry alone?
A: Its my job. Have to see what’s going on.  Can’t afford to have something happen to ticketing or anything else, we need all the revenue we can get.
Real Answer:  As pathetic as it sounds, with every beep and buzz, I feel connected to the world. I feel ‘needed’ in some way. And in knowing what people are writing, tweeting, blogging, I’m not so alone.  It fills time.  Otherwise — that’s when lonely sets in.

Q: Carrie, why don’t you eat?
A: First of all, I do eat. Cuz cooking for one is too hard. I’m Italian can’t make anything in small quantities.  I’d be eating leftovers for weeks.  Plus hate all the dishes. 
Real Answer: Eating is not an issue.  Its the cooking and sitting down to eat that makes me feel alone – if at no other time.  Being Italian cooking is love, eating together is a means of socialization, with just me — that’s when lonely REALLY sets in.

Q: Carrie, why aren’t you drinking?
A: If you spent as much time getting your butt kicked as I do with my trainers, you’d make some extra sacrifices to make sure its paying off too.
Real Answer:  Drinking let’s the guard down. I say, do things maybe I shouldn’t.  It makes the feelings, the sadness, stronger.  Puts me in a bad place – that’s when lonely sets in.

So to my friends who know me, I hope this helps explain where I’m at right now.  Why I do things or don’t do things you think I should.  Why I talk about some things and not others.  Why I can (and want to)  be there to listen when you need me, but can’t reach out when you see I’m struggling.  I don’t want to drag anyone down with this, its mine to deal with.  I don’t want you worrying about me especially when you are dealing with things yourself.  And I don’t want to do something because I’m in this place either (talk about a catch 22).

Please understand that i’m struggling to truly accept things have happened 4 a reason.  I’ve been blessed with amazing relationships and wonderful people in my life (my exs included) but for reasons I cannot explain, they are not destined to stay. 

The answer to many questions is … that’s when lonely sets in.  The real question for me now is… is lonely destined to stay?

Cross THAT off the Life List!

Ok so maybe everyone’s life list has stuff on it like ‘Travel to Egypt’ or ‘Go to Australia’ or ‘Party in Vegas’… (yup those are a few of mine)

But my list also has a few things closer to my heart.  One thing I talked to you awhile back about… that I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. 

Well, cross THAT off the life list I DID IT!

And quite frankly, I LOVE IT.

What did I end up getting?
Well, I ended up with a mix of elements.  For those that know me this is probably no surprise… Yes, I did the tribal elephant. It really resonated with me for all the things it symbolizes – Memory, Commitment, Devotion, Socializing, Gentle Strength.  The unfolding fern symbolizing a ‘new life’. And overarching is Ivy – winning in time over adversity through perserverance. 

Its got alot of Dad in there. Mom too. For both of them were/are not only so devoted to each other, but to our family no matter how many things seem to get thrown at us.  And while Dad lost the fight in the end, he perservered for all those years, through all those surgeries and treatments. It lets me remember the good things about him – his strength of character, his devotion to family and friends, his resilience against the odds (ok that’s the nice way of saying he could be pretty hard headed .  

For me, with the things that have occurred in my life and knowing the Lurkers are at bay for now, it just seems even more appropriate to have the ivy. Perservering against the odds and just not giving up. Not giving in to the bad stuff, to how it makes you feel at your lowest and to still get up in the morning and move forward.  Knowing Dad did it and Mom does it to some degree every day.  And being part of them, I can do it, too. He wouldn’t and she won’t have it any other way. 

Did it hurt? 
Oh YEAH! But nothing like what I’m sure Dad went through.  Nothing like what a broken heart feels like.  Nothing like the fear of the unknown the Lurkers cause(d).

Maybe its weird, but as I was lying there grinding my teeth, petrified to move and screw up all the little detail, taking a ton of deep breaths in the midst of this hard-rocking, skull-and-dark-imagery, sensory-overloading tattoo parlor, the “preppy”, ink-virgin girl amongst the tat-covered, multi-pierced artists and one other ‘rough’ looking female client, I was/am damn proud of myself.  This is mine.  I looked along time to find exactly what I wanted. This is the right set of ‘symbols’ in the right spot.  It has HUGE meaning for me.  Its something I wanted that no one can take away. And that no one probably thought I would ever do. 

Why is that last part important at all?
Especially in the midst of the intense symbolizm this represents?  I’m not completely sure why, but it is.  Because its all part of it.  Maybe because its part of the changes I’ve gone through and in ways, am still going through. Part of proving I can be strong, independent and surprising once in a while.  Part of proving to myself and others that I’m not the same Carrie I was - ordinary and predictable… but that’s another post for another day. 

Can I tell my mother?
Maybe in time. Maybe if she were to read this first and know how much this means, what it represents. Maybe one day…

For now, I know (and you know) I DID IT! And I smile every time I see it and each time I find that it peaks out of my waistband.  (The top ivy leaf is a bit high for my midrise pants.) And most importantly, each time I think about what it means and remember.

Thanks to those who encouraged not just for the sake of getting a tat, but for understanding why it is important, what it symbolizes at a variety of levels. Thank you to those that commented on my last post and shared your stories of why and what your tattoo would stand for.  I can tell you this, it doesn’t hurt as bad or anywhere as long as all the things we’ve already gone through.  Our tattoos are about remembering, celebrating, surviving, living and moving forward.

So I guess all that’s left is to show you huh?
Well, here it is… sorry the picture is a bit blurry

For Dad, For Mom, For Me - Devotion, Remembrance, & Perserverance

So cross THAT off the life list - I got MY tattoo! 

I love you Dad and Mom…
          I will pull from your strength,
          I will be devoted to family and friends,
          I will perservere each day,
          I will never forget.

Wanted: Blog Topics

So since I wrote about my thoughts about getting a tattoo, quite frankly my blog views have doubled, even tripled.

That said and in trying to get back into the blogging world, I am looking for blog topics.

Any thoughts? ideas?

Anything you want to know?

I am not a political person so let’s avoid that topic all together.

Sports… well, sort of…but I’ve been really busy lately and haven’t been keeping up except for my text updates so I’m not completely lost.  (Pathetic, I know. Thank god for Twitter and Facebook.)

So what does that leave?

Not quite sure so I’ll put it out there to you.  Those who know me and those who don’t.

What would you like to talk about?

Wanted: Blog Topics – make a suggestion.

Its been awhile…

…and I’m sorry. 

I’ve gotten lost in life these days and quite frankly haven’t had a lot of anything to really say.  Not anything that would make a good blog post.  But things are slowing down a bit so in trying to get back to this blog thing here’s a little meme…

Don’t think I’ve done this before so here goes.  50 little things…

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:30am
2. How do you like your steak? RARE
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
4. What is your favorite TV show? Don’t have just one – Intervention, Deadliest Catch, House, Ace of Cakes, Paranormal State
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? On the beach
6. What did you have for breakfast? Don’t eat breakfast usually.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Like a bunch – Italian, Mexican, Thai 
8. What foods do you dislike? Anchovies, Black licorice, salty salty stuff
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Anthony J’s
10. Favorite dressing? Gorganzola
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Volvo S40
12. What are your favorite clothes? depends on the occasion – Love to get dressed up!
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Egypt, Italy, Australia
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Depends on the day, but more half full
15. Where would you want to retire? Whereever I am close to family and friends
16. Favorite time of day? When I’m awake, early morning otherwise sunset
17. Where were you born? New London, Connecticut
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball and Women’s Basketball
19. Who do you think will take this and meme? Hallie - the meme queen
20. Person you expect to meme first? Hallie
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Everyone
22. Bird watcher? Some times
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night
24. Do you have any pets? 1 cat (Chaugy) and 2 Dogs (Dasher & Josie)
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? You’ll find it in these questions.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? Changed often.
27. What is your best childhood memory? Summer picnics
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both
29. Are you married? Was
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes
31. Ever been in a car accident? Sure have.
32. Any pet peeves? Heck ya! Don’t we all?
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? sausage and mushroom
34. Favorite Flower? Gerber Daisy, Cally Lillies, Roses
35. Favorite ice cream? java chip, chocolate chip cookie dough, GOOD vanilla
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Don’t eat fast food
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? None
38. From whom did you get your last no? Can’t remember
39. Like your job? 75% of the time
40. Broccoli? Yes
41. What was your favorite vacation? Hawaii 2004
42. Last person you went out to dinner with? Eileen
43. What are you listening to right now? Grandfather clock chiming
44. What is your favorite color? Red
45. How many tattoos do you have? 1
46. Have any piercings? Yup – 8
47. Have a secret? Yes
48. Favorite flavor milkshake?  Vanilla
49.  Nuts or Plain? In baked goods, PLAIN all the way!
50. Ever sang Karaoke? Nope I have limits.

So there you go… 50 little things.  Some are probably repeated, but I suspect there are a few new ones. 

I’ll try to be better at posting, I promise!

I’m Just Not Sure…

Had to call him.  Ok maybe not HAD to but quite frankly I didn’t know who else to call. 

See I had stupid stuff that needed fixing – a patio chair, the patio table leg, the toilet that keeps running by and a pet door I had gotten for Christmas that hadn’t been put in yet. 

And it KILLS me to have to call him.  I mean this is the same man who walked out 6 years ago telling me I wasn’t good enough. I was too needy because one of many things on The List was that I asked him to do too many things around the house.  So can you see the simple irony in the fact that I need him to do those things now?

To add to this, he comes with little question now.  Walks in the door, gives me a kiss on the cheek, busts my chops about being the apprentice and gopher like old times then wants to hang out and chat more.  Really? You now come willingly to do the things you hated and want to stay and chat about things with the person you couldn’t wait to get away from. Hmmm 

Granted the chat is very superficial… 

X: “How is Mom?”  Good. “When’s her birthday again I want to take her to dinner.” July 20th you’ve got time.

Me: “How is your Dad?” Grumpy as ever. Mad about… complaining about…  (ok that hasn’t changed in all these years)

X: ”Did you know X from the Boat? They were asking about you.”  Vaguely remember. (And what did you really say?)  “Saw so and so, they asked about you too.”  Oh really? How they doing? (Again, what did you say?)

Me: “How’s the new boat? Seems like you are really busy. Good for you. Congrats!” Yeah 8 trips this week, people are rebooking already. Its a comedy show between me and the mate, but we’re getting tips and people seem to like it…

And so it goes…with even a few laughs thrown in.

Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate that if I am in trouble or have these stupid things that I just can’t get done, he’s there to help.  Know that he doesn’t hate me (I guess).  But now he wants to be my friend, really?  Exactly what is different? I’m confused…. Am I different?  Is he?

I talked about it before as 5 years just passed in April.  And days like this just make me wonder.  Not that things were perfect (that’s a clear understatement), but there were a lot of great times over almost 12 years.  We laughed about a few of them and it felt oddly good.

But times like today just add to my current confusion.  Quite frankly I’m questioning every thing about my life, my job, where I am in the world right now.  I worked my ass off for a Masters and I’m not sure what that has done, but give me 5 letters after my name and put me in debt.  I have great friends who have stood by me and I am very thankful.  But things are off for me and seem to be getting worse.  It makes me wonder…

is what I’m missing something I had let go of?

is it something that simply passed by and I missed it?

or has it yet to come?

I’m just not sure. 

Yes, I do believe things happen 4 a reason. I do believe I did what I thought was best at the time.  Right now I’m just so unsure about so many things that it all feels upside down and backwards.

Some thing has to give… the planets need to shift or realign… some thing, I’m not sure.  (You can probably read that in how this post seems to be bouncing around.) 

I guess really that’s what it comes down to… I’m sort of bouncing around feeling uncertain and undirected.

I’m just not sure

….of anything.

To Tattoo or Not To Tattoo

So maybe its a midlife crisis…

Maybe its my struggle to understand why things happen…

Maybe its about trying to let go of a sadness and emptyness that seems to linger out on the edge of my consciousness at all times…

BUT yes, I have been considering a tattoo.  And today, I actually found one or two that are striking my fancy.  Here they are and what they symbolize…

 

PHOENIX & IVY:  Rebirth, perseverance

The phoenix, which originally symbolized the sun and eternity, acquired in time the meaning of rebirth by overcoming difficulties (the phoenix is born young again after burning in the purifying fire).  Ivy, for its capacity of winning in time over the mighty oak is a symbol of perseverance.  The meaning of this tattoo can be seen as the possibility to overcome any diffuculty with perseverance, to be born again.

 I like this because its more delicate/feminine.  Love the concept of the ivy and winning over time, perservering in face of obstacles.  We always talked of Dad ‘flying free’ from all the tubes and bags and things he had to endure.  The idea of a bird also has great appeal. 

  

ELEPHANT:  Devotion, commitment

Elephants are known for their memory, but they have another very important character: socializing.  Thus a newborn is greeted and grown with commitment and dedication by every member of the herd.  The spiral is a symbol of eternity and the unfolding fern frond is a symbol borrowed from Maori culture to symbolize a new life.

I like this because of the memory symbolizm. Elephants never forget.  Mom has an elephant thing (she’s the queen of drawing the elephant’s ass – its sort of her “logo”.) Elephants are loyal and family or ‘herd’ oriented – just like Dad. Devoted to family and friends.

        

SMALL PHOENIX:  Rebirth

The phoenix itself symbolizes the sun, eternity, but more and more often it´s being used to symbolize the idea of a rebirth, of a change leading to a new life, just like the phoenix is born again from its own ashes, young and pure.

Again, a bit more delicate. I like this for many of the same reasons as with Phoenix & Ivy.  Not quite as feminine or symbolic as the two above.  Of the three, my third choice.

Or maybe its a mix of these.  Elephant with ivy?  Elephant with bird? Something else?

So now that I have some idea of what I like for an image…

Where does it go? 

• Shoulder Blade
• Hip
• Arm
• Back of Neck
• Other: ____________

My choice:  Hip

Why?  Well quite frankly with all the symbolizm above and given that Dad died of Colon Cancer.  Not to mention my own Lurkers… seems like the right spot.  Sort of (hopefully) a positive symbol to offset the ‘bad juju’ that genetically Dad had and I have going on. 

Dad had a tattoo on his forearm that he did himself with india ink and a pin when he was a kid.  OUCH! A cross with this initials on either side.  Not professional, but was a good story.  Always said he was just a dumb kid and wouldn’t do it again.  Threatened my brother with his life if he turned up with one.  (My brother is tattoo-less to this day.)  He would never agree to this if he were here.

I know its permanent (sort of) and its going to be painful.  Probably more painful than any of my piercings.  And its not a ‘quick’ pierce and its over, it will take endurance to have done. (Did someone say perserverence?) PLUS I have no intention of this being something huge either.  Size of a couple quarters maybe…(if you can’t tell, yes, I am talking myself into this.)

Polled some friends and it really seems to be a 50/50 split.  Not helpful.  I know it shouldn’t make a difference what they think. Mom would freak out…well, maybe not.  She wasn’t so bad about my piercings. But a tattoo… hmmmm its a toss up.

Still thinking… although less on the fence than I have been. 

To Tatoo or Not To Tattoo… that IS the question.

Some of you who read this, know me.  Some of you don’t.  Thoughts?  On the choices? On tattooes in general? Ideas for imagery?  Do you have a tattoo? Want one? Come on help a girl out here…

Graduation!

Well, you’ve read so much about my Masters Degree, it just seems incomplete to not show you the grande finale – GRADUATION!

It was May 27, 2009 at 4pm.  Westchester County Center (NY).  As with all these things, it was lots of hurry up and wait.  Driving took twice as long as the ceremony itself.  Oh well, after all the time we  spent reading, writing, posting, calculating and worrying – what was another day. 

The best part of the whole thing – meeting my cohorts.  There were 18 of us to start the program back in September 2007 and on this day, seven of us got to walk across the stage.  Our 30 seconds of fame.  It was a great day to finally meet the people who for 18 months supported and helped me acheive one of my life list items.  Not that others didn’t but these were the ones going through it every test, paper and post with me. We finally got to put faces, names and writing styles together.  Funny some people were exactly as I imagined (or saw on Facebook) others, well… not so much.

If any of you were watching Facebook during that day, you saw the pics and even some of the banter we were all having while waiting.  Thank goodness for Blackberrys and iPhones.  It let us have others who couldn’t be with us, be connected even if it was over the web.

Won’t bore you with a lot more words.   Here’s a summary of the day … 

Delta Mu Delta International Honor Society Stole

Westchester County Center – Welcome Mercy College Class of 2009

Lined up and ready to go. WooHoo! I made it!

Bagpipers during the processional. LOVE the sounds of pipers!

The stage and faculty

(L-R) Melissa, Jaime, Chris, Joe and Leonora

Dan and I across the aisle

Graduates! (L-R) Joe, Me, Dan, Melissa, Chris, Jaime, Leonora

 

The final class receiving Mercy College Masters of Science in Direct and Interactive Marketing from the School of Business.  Mercy has decided to roll the program into the MBA curriculum.  In my mind, this degree has even more meaning now.  Congratuations Graduates! Well done!

Graduates! (L-R) Joe, Me, Dan, Melissa, Chris, Jaime, Leonora

 

Now its off to the party! 
(Seriously today June 6th … but that will be another post…

12 Spaces to the Right – The Letter “T”

I know its been a while and I’m sorry. 

Seems that things are spinning so fast and teetering on out of control.  And time to blog… well, quite frankly there just hasn’t been any.  From the last posts and time between some of my friends’ blogs, we’re all in the same boat. But, today here I am.

So to touch my toe back in the blogging water I thought I’d continue the second trip around the alphabet on this meme train… last stop the letter H (Thanks Hallie!)

Next stop (Thank you Samantha) 12 more spaces to the right with no interruptions…

Introducing the Letter T

Ten things about me that start with the Letter T

 

(1)  Twins – Love ‘em. Can’t imagine life without them and its amazing watching my brother be such a great dad.  Dad is definitely looking down and smiling.  I wish he could be here to see Cade and Ryan but also Steven.  There is so much they never got to say or share.   Here they are at 18 months – May 2009.

 

(2) Tan Lines – Don’t like them. Don’t have them (or atleast try not to have them).  That’s all I’ll say about that.

 

 

 

 

(3) Toe Rings – Love em. Wear three or four of them 24/7. Feet are ugly so need something to make them look good. 

 

 

 

(4) Tattoo - No don’t have one, but am considering one (that’s another post).  What would it be? Something to remember Dad.  Something to talk about perseverance.  Where would it go?  First option, hip. Second option, shoulder.  Why? Need to be able to hide it.  Its mine, personal. 

(5) Text Messaging – Love Texting! Quick, easy, fun. How many text messages do you have in a month?  Me…average about 1500 per month.  My highest month was over 2500. 

 

(6) Touch – If I had to pick one of the senses as my ‘favorite’, touch would be it.  Touch can be so many things – comforting, passionate, soothing, strong, gentle, kind.  Its warm and inviting.  Its personal and intimate.  Its a gesture of friendship and love.  Its a connection between things, animals, friends, and family.    Rule 1?  Touch, not so much the sexual as the little things, is what I miss most about being single. 

(7) Twitter – A fun application that requires little time to stay connected.  Think that is what I like best about it.  Not sure anyone needs to know what everyone is doing at every minute of the day, but its a great little ‘newsfeed’ to keep up to date.  Be it personal or ‘business’, I keep up with sports teams, marketing ideas, competition, industry news, friends, politics and more.  Tweet! Tweet!

(8) Time – There’s never enough of it. It flies by when you need or want more of it.  It seems to go so slowly when there is anticipation or sadness.  What do I wish I had more time for? Time to learn who I really am and want to be. How do I do that? Not quite sure…

(9) Tip Toes – For me, the best hugs happen and are given on your tip toes.  Of course, that means the guy has to be taller than me  

 

 

(10) Tchotchkes aka Trinkets - (chats-ki) Not a trick answer, it is spelled correctly but the T is silent.  Definition: (N) a toy; small play thing; bauble; little knicknack that brings joy. Not only one of my favorite words, but a reminder of my Grandmother.  While not a pack rat and the cleanest, most tidy person on the planet, she had tchotchkes. Its a silly memory, but I love her for them and still have many that remind me of her daily.

There you have it… 10 Things starting with T all about me.

PS  “T” was a really hard letter…hmmm wonder what letter I’ll get from one of you next.